E-Heads!!!

September 5, 2008

“Ultraelectromagnetic show for one night only” that’s what the promo shirts read… Well actually it was more of a one-hour show only, for the mighty eraserheads ended their mighty reunion concert after one set.  “My brother had to be rushed to the hospital” said Ely’s sister 2 hours into what was supposed to be the concert for the ages… the reunion of Ely, Raimund, Marcus, and Buddy “The Eraserheads” - the band I listened to growing up, my music heroes of the 90s.

The wait was longer than the acual show.  I first heard of it as a rumor in the radio almost a month ago, then somehow little by little this rumor suddenly became concretely true that I had to research on ways to grab a hand of possible tickets.  Inital sponsors made this online registration which was very frustrating, luckily they had to give in and fortunately enough a generous group came to the rescue of sponsoring the concert of all concerts barely two days into its schedule… two days!!

August 30, 2008 was the date, three hours from the start of the show, we were already inside the fort open field patiently waiting, killing time looking at jologs, girls (ako lang pala hehe), and manning a side of the fence for better viewing.  8:15PM and then the countdown started through a roar of about 20,000 fans… 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… (Jumbotron featuring past pictures… Bass playing in the background) fireworks… (break)…. “hanggang sa dulo ng mundo!!!!, hanggang maubos ang ubo!!!!”  waaaaaahhhh Alapaap!!!! the E-HEADS are back!!!!

Sweaty!! I was singing through every e-head tune I missed even though I have them on record on my pc. 15 songs - Alapaap, Ligaya, Harana, Kailan, Hey Jay, Sembreak, With A Smile, Shake yer head, Fruitcake, Kaliwete, Toyang, Wag kang matakot, Huwag mo ng itanong, (I forgot the other song) and then the finale of the 1st set, a song which I barely know - Lightyears.  They played with little dialouge, with minimal breaks in between songs, and continuously through an effects-filled video wall showing their past MTVs, a kaleidoscope of pictures, and a close-up of their faces playing like it was 1996.  ”Ang daming tao ha” said Ely, and true it was… thousands of cellphones lit the dark, screaming fans pumping their fists after every song, hands swaying to the melodic with a smile, people beat dancing to toyang, heads banging because of kaliwete… Gosh! an experience to remember…. then curtain fell after the song light years, and inspite of the 20 minute intermission counting down, little did we know that it was the final curtain call.  “The Eraserheads will be right back!!!” said the in-house announcer… but they never did.

The 20 minute countdown was over but still people were sitting on the ground waiting… and then amidst cheers when Raimund, Marcus, and Buddy came out to the stage it fell short when Ely’s sister announced the band’s apologies for cutting the concert because of Ely’s condition which gave way to tremendous stress and exhaustion.  WHAAAAATTTT????? what the f@*&!!! Where was magasin? pare ko? minsan? maling akala? superproxy? el bimbo??? the power songs supposed to be played on the finale!!… ”Please proceed to the exits” but no one wanted to move anticipating a probable miracle waiting to happen… “Please proceed to the exits!!” let’s wait a little maybe another announcement “Please proceed to the exits!!!” …. haaaaay let’s go I guess that’s it… we all marched to the exits shocked and confused, wanting to get mad but couldn’t, after all it was Ely’s health that’s on the line and all we could do was hope for his recovery.

I drank the night after, telling my friends about the concert, what happened, the thrill.  The next day I watched news and updates on the concert, I drank again that night recalling the concert, I wouldn’t stop babbling about it to my friends who were too drunk to recall that I was just repeating the same story I told the other night.  Almost a week has passed and I still am on an E-heads high, I travelled to Bacolod and Iloilo and even the abundance of beautiful Ilonggas could not stop my Eraserheads groove, I am still singing “dear kim, kamustang bakasyon mo ako eto pa rin nababato….”

E-heads Part 2?? E-heads tour?? a new album?? …. hehe who knows, the impact it gave to a lot of people at a limited time surely says a lot… lets just pray and hope that maybe in the future we can again get to experience the magic of the band that revolutionized Pinoy music - The Eraserheads - they came out in 1992 when I was just 12 years old, and 6 years after they disbanded it still felt like they never left… ang arte hehehe…. “buksan mo aking mata di mo ba nakikita ako ngayo’y lumilipad at nasa langit na gusto mo bang sumama?”

The One That Got Away

November 5, 2007

One beer spells the difference, as I drink my way out of restlessness the next thing I know is that I’m about to finish my 12^th bottle with my sensibility being clouded by sentimental thoughts driving me to do things which I might sort of regret the morning after when I’m back to my usual sober self.

I remember reading a previous email saying that we have in our lives someone who we would consider as “the one that got away”.  Well, I may have just realized who mine is.  As you may have noticed, my last blog entry was way back December 06.  Because since then I was just breezing through life without much need for emotional hype, that everything was okay but now, I am once again kicked by my inside dramas and found the knack to type to hopefully ease what I feel.

After a long while I never expected feeling this way, I thought it was over, well obviously I thought wrong… Now, I am having sleepless nights, my appetite is gone, plus I never get drunk.  My friends dub me as the dramatic one which is okay cause I can’t help it, I really don’t want this feeling but I can’t help it, I’m weak so what can I do, I’m in a sentimental mode now which I so hate.

I can’t work because I’ve wasted enough time thinking and feeling deeply.  Why oh why, now I ask myself what happened, what I should have done, I tell myself how stupid I have been, for being inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, and a complete as@#%&*!

Acceptance is such a difficult phase.  Accepting the fact that I can’t bring back the past but look at old pictures and letters; accepting the fact that she is now unreachable; accepting the fact the she is now happy and I have nothing to do with it; accepting the fact that she doesn’t look at me the way I want her to, that she doesn’t care anymore; accepting the fact that I lost, lost in my own irresponsible behavior.

Now, everyday’s a battle, every minute is a challenge.  I’m too old to be sideswiped by these emotional swing, I must lose this feeling, but what if I don’t want to, but I must.  Because I’m not convincing anyone, she is finally happy and as much as I envy it, at least just this once I should be unselfish and look to serve her well.  At least I’ve realized now that she really is the one I love.

I go back memory lane reading previous emails, looking at the dates, that during those times we were happy, I was happy.  It’s suicide.

She loved me so much, the only one who ever did… and I threw it all away.

Good Luck… I still do and hard to believe I still am.

To the one who got away:

That Girl Is Gone by David Pack

Oh that girl is gone
And it really doesn’t matter
Who was right or wrong
Oh that girl was mine
And it hurts me so to think
That she won’t even try

Lord only knows
Which way that she may go
Lord only knows
Just what she’s looking for
I would beg her if I could
To come back home
If she were here right now
I would put her on the throne
I would make her see just how
That a man loves a woman, but

That girl is gone

Lord only knows
How long I’ve tried to be
Faithful to her
In every way
I would beg her once again
To trust in me
She ain”t here no more
And I’m a broken man
And it’s easy to say now
That I understand, but

That girl is gone

Yeah and it hurts me so to think
That she could be satisfied
That girl is gone

Come home to me, baby
Oh and it hurts me so to think
That she won’t even try
Yeah and it hurts me so to think
That she could be satisfied
That girl is gone
That girl is gone
Oh the girl is gone…

Little Einsteins

December 7, 2006

I had the corniest, cheesiest dream last night…  But it was sweet, strong, and it felt so real that I was still feeling the same way even after waking up.  Anyway… the dream goes like this:

I just broke up with this girl (I know for sure who this girl in real life is but strangely enough I can’t recognize her face) and you know that stage in a post-relationship where both of you are in like a “pakiramdaman phase” and both of you are still not over each other but is just silent about it, well that was where our feelings were.  Well then there was this formal party where both of us were supposed to attend.  Of course, being separated and all, we didn’t have dates to the party.  Now this girl is a very impulsive one, so out of grief and heartbreak and probably as a ploy to make me jealous, she decides to call up somebody, some guy from her past to be his date (now I know who the guy is, his face is was very clear in my dream and in real life she really is a part of the girl’s past).  Now, I didn’t have a date for the party but then a friend decided to invite me as her date (again, I can’t seem to figure out the friend’s face but I know who the girl was, and in real life she really is a good friend).  I didn’t have ill feelings accepting her invitation because she really was a close friend and it was certain that we went there as a date between friends, not intimate.  Now again back to that “pakiramdaman phase” where we were still not over each other, on the way to the party as I was preparing and everything, I caught sight of this girl, elegantly dressed and so beautiful, on some house or something with her friends and her date.  Since her friends were my friends too, I decided to drop by and greet them.  So, confident as I was, I arrived at that house where they were.  Naturally, everyone was surprised and quite shocked to see me there, dropping by out of nowhere.  But, nevertheless, they greeted me.  Now, the tension was building considering the girl was somewhat “nahiya” seeing me catching a glimpse of her and her date together.  Plus, she knows for a fact that I know who exactly her date was.  Her friends were silent, so was she, and, so was I.  After a few anxious, silent moments, I just decided to go along my way and bid “mauna na ako” to her friends.  I did not even bother acknowledging her, and just left the house immediately.  Once I was outside the house, under the cold, radiant, night sky, I stopped for a while and I suddenly felt someone gently grabbing my arm.  And as I looked back, it was the girl, and she was crying.  She looked at me with teary, apologetic eyes and I sensed she felt guilty given the untimely events that took place.  I just kept my cool, I looked at her and kissed her softly on the cheek.  And afterwards, I just calmly said “See you at the party”.  So I turned around, walked a few steps away and then… she pulls me back, she hugs me, and says “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry”… I felt the anguish she felt as she cried profusely with her head down.  Time was still, silence fell and all I can hear was her pitiful cries as she embraced me so tight that she didn’t want to let go of me… That time I was on the verge of crying myself getting swept away by the moment, so I lifted her head up looked at her teary eyes let the moment of sincerity sink in, caressed her face and decided to kiss her passionately on the lips, she kissed me back, hugged me tighter, and I strongly felt the love and guilt she felt.  Getting further swept by the intimate moment, I said to her “I love you very much” and she replied “I am so in love with you”.  “I’ll just see you at the party” I said and went on my way.  She went back inside the house still crying and sought comfort from her friends.  She was crying so loud that I could hear her from outside.  She was confiding in her friends and saying “I still love him”, “I really, really love him” bakit ko ba nagawa to” “di ko alam” and she cried and cried and cried….. I got to my friends’ place where we were preparing for the party.  I was getting excited and all, wanting to see her there and wondering what would happen next considering the intimacy between us that just happened.  Would we get back together? Would she ditch her date for me? Would she grab me again and confess her love and how guilty she felt? Would we kiss again?  I was so excited thinking of the possibilities that it felt like time was at least 3 times longer than the usual.  Excitedly, I eagerly urged my friends “tara na halika na baka ma-late tayo sa party, tignan mo si Justin Timberlake sayaw na sayaw na ng Sexy Back”….

And then I woke up, it was 430 AM, I felt disappointed not getting to the continuation of my dream which I was so eagerly anticipating.  For the feeling was so strong, the intimacy felt so true, I stared at the ceiling for quite some time and I slept again hoping my dream would carry on to that time the party setting would arrive… but that dream never happened, the party never came, my dream was blank, and I woke up at 6AM and got ready for work still wondering what would have happened in that party. But then the feeling was still there: the self-worth, the romance, the intimacy still in me even when I was now awake.

            It’s already 3PM and I am still thinking about that dream.  What the dream meant I don’t know.  Well a dream means a fantasy, a wish, a hope and maybe that’s what it meant, a personal aspiration to feel that feeling again: to be loved, to be wanted, to be felt.  Because right now everyone just wants to kill me, everyone hates me, everyone misjudges me, everyone bad mouths me… at times I pity myself but I just let these moments pass by for I know vindication is just a few dreams away.  My “pasts” have moved on and I believe I should too…  Reality will be kind; time will give me what is due, but now… I’ll just be waiting in my sleep, hoping when that party will start.

Fix you

September 13, 2006

I should have been there.  Seeing you all alone when before, I was always by your side on those occassions.  I pity you, I pity myself, and I’m sorry.  Maybe this is the best punishment for a fool like me… guilt, immeasurable guilt… But I know the best has yet to come for you, just be patient for things will go your way and you will learn to smile again.  In the end you’re still the winner.  And you should be proud for standing strong and tall after everything you have endured.  Today may not be what you have expected but I know that tomorrow you shall reap the rewards of patience, hardwork, and strong will.  As for me I shall do my best to support you, maybe not now but I know in the future I shall make ends meet and hopefully I shall set out opportunities to help you go on your way.

Time

March 30, 2006

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

Just beyond the day I said hello to you.
Now it seems like time has passed us by.
I wish there was a treasure I could show to you
To make our love to grow and never die.

Now it’s time to say goodbye
I don’t know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I’m gonna cry
But at least I know we try
Oh baby it’s time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the things we hold so dear to us.
Goodbye to all the things we used to do.
Goodbye to everybody far and near to us
But that won’t ever stop me from loving you.

Now it’s time to say goodbye
I don’t know why
Things happen as they do w/ only you
Wish I didn’t have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it’s time to say goodbye.
It’s time to say goodbye
It’s time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Now it’s time to say goodbye
I don’t know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Wish I didn’t have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it’s time to say goodbye.
It’s time to say goodbye
It’s time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

It’s time to say goodbye to all the things we used to do now
It’s time to say goodbye to all the family and friends
It’s time to say goodbye to all the friends we used to see now
Even though I know that this is really not the end
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Goodbye

By Angela Bofill, revived by Nina

morning rush

January 24, 2006

I always catch the morning rush on RX as I set off to work.  One listener sent this very clearing quote from Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-
centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win
some false friends and true enemies; Succeed
anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may
cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you
spend years building, someone could destroy
overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and
happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy
anyway. The good you do today, people will often
forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world
the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway You
see, in the final analysis, it is between you and
God; It was never between you and them anyway.

Very satisfying especially now when I’m falsely accused and judged for things I never did, feels gratifying to realize once again that God is the ultimate seer of everything going on in this world.  Funny thing though, I never expected to learn something from the words of a certain okoy lopez hahaha (maloko kasi tong taong to e pero sa totoo lang pre tama ka e hehe).  As told, I’m now getting rid of all "compensating efforts" to ease inner troubles and instead focusing on other "valuables".  These things, plus the fact that I’m realizing that I’m getting old to mind immature things, has made me feel calm and complacent.  At times, I still feel like jumping into my old ways but tending to other significant matters makes it easier to maintain self-control. Pag alam mo talagang wala kang ginagawang masama, ang dali ng takbo ng buhay.  Thank you.

Welcome back JA-NE!Felt like you never left at all buo na naman tuloy ang weekly mamam, masaya na naman si siakol hehehe…

Really??

December 7, 2005

People can be very biased.  When it comes to pleasuring their own interests everything is right but whenever that same interest is getting the worst of them the realization is in the contrary.

"do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you".

It’s been a month since I last updated my blog.  The last entry I had was all about frustrations well after that let’s just say that things somehow turned a little upside.  I somehow got this peace of mind of sorts to maintain that mood of calmness.  It seems that, as of the moment, I have that feeling that everything in the world is in order…. as of the moment.  Cause the present guy I am knows that my next challenge is just right around the corner and I need to prepare for it.  But right now give me this peace cause I certainly earned it after a gruelling and tiresome state I previously had.

Thank you my God for everything.  For not letting me drown in my own selfish ways and guiding me towards the peace I am enjoying now.  And thanks to the very first person who gave a comment to my blog  my coach in basketball and in life, Kuya arnel (hehe may pumansin din ng blog ko hehe).  Nice advice by the way.

Listening to the quiet storm on wave 89.1 is really really relaxing.  Talk about easy listening while puffing smoke, easing out on a bottle of SML and talking to your friends in a relatively reflecting state.  Anyway the quiet storm is played every 10 pm.  And in the topic of wave pick up a copy of dreamsounds 3, ganda…hehe…

Tomorrow’s another day to work on some diverting plan to get me out of…but later tongiht I’ll be waiting for my drinking buddies…til then.

I wish I wasn’t

November 3, 2005

I always raise a lot of great expectations about things and I also have a very low frustration tolerance.  Believe me, that’s not a likeable combination.  That part of me is what I hate most, being impatient, restless, frustrated.  I want to seize every opportunity so that time would pass quickly.  I guess that’s why I’ve indulged myself to habitual drinking.

What a week this was.  I’ve lived a remote life deep in the mountains of batangas hahaha… I guess I’ve bit off more than I can chew.  I like to travel but it gets really tiring.  I had to endure traffic, rain, waiting for a ride, carrying my big bag, traffic, traffic, traffic.  And, being the impatient guy I am, I had to calm myself in this situation or else I’d explode and go mental.  And how frustrating it must be when, despite of this effort of coming straight from batangas enduring all those I mentioned earlier and being the tired guy I was because of it, you get to a place where you planned to be, only seeing, that things there were not as you expected and wanted it to be.  Extremely frustrated I really was, I wanted to shout, cry, but I was too physically and emotionally drained to do so.  Haaayyyy….

You see I really hate this part of me cause it only leaves me destroyed in grief, disappointment, and great frustrations.  I want to learn patience, peace of mind, if I’m ready to face my days beyond Nov. 7.  Right now I’m still enjoying the vacation but come Nov. 7 the challenge to be extremely patient comes.

It really was therapeutic spending time with my daughter.  Kim really takes away every frustration or diappointment I have.  She really is a gift from heaven.

You do a lot of crazy, crazy, crazy stuff when you’re drunk hehehe… Some stuff you wish you hadn’t done, some stuff you were happy you did.

Tomorrow’s another day to grace a birthday party but later tonight pupuriin ko ulit si san miguel hehehe… Til then.

Finally

October 23, 2005

Finally!!

Anyway, I was giving serious advice to this friend of mine last friday night about her life in the love business.  Add up another one to the grand counselor (hey sila nagsabi nun).  What I said to her is that when it comes to relationships don’t let outer forces interfere with what you have.  Like what Donna said to (I forgot the character’s name but he is played by the actor named Topher Grace) in the 70’s show: "it’s either you don’t trust me or there’s a problem".  It all boils down to trust.

This maybe the last Sunday I may have to drink with my friends.  Because tomorrow, finally, I am about to engage myself in a situation where I may disqualify myself from our routinary drinking sessions.  (pano ba yan guys weekends na lng ha).  This is for my own good, and I’m forever thankful to our God Almighty, for finally giving me this second wind.

And by the way, I’ll give my regards to this special someone for spending fruitful time this weekend.  Although I, in some manner, hate her for what she has done, the time spent is all worthwhile.  Thanks a lot.  You know who you are.

Tomorrow’s another day to reap the rewards of heaven but later time calls for preparation.  ‘Til then.

The system

October 20, 2005

"Hang the sign up on the door, it says don’t disturb this groove, just a way to say that I’m so into you."

I’m really really impatient.  I’ve been restlessly waiting for this phone call for two days na.  Can’t sleep, bored, these days I can’t wait for night time to come so I can drink na with my friends.  All because of this phone call I’ve been waiting which has led me to become extremely bored, impatient, and restless. Grrrrr… matext na nga. I’ve been drinking for straight days na and you know what, it doesn’t seem to have an effect on me, before I’d give myself a day break from drinking to refresh myself but now hala wala ng break break hehe… bakit kaya?? Then my friends would catch me in a trance, in my own world again, with my headset on, feeling the beat, deeply thinking while lighting a cigarette waiting for my shot.  I want it to happen can’t wait.  I really really hate waiting.

Anyway, when you’re drunk or hazy you do and say a lot of crazy stuff which you regret saying or doing the morning after hehe.

I keep on praying.

Tomorrow’s another day to wait (huhuhuhu) but later tonight I’ll be getting wasted again.  ‘Til then.